Today I hit a wall.
It was an emotional wall. There have been many emotions that have been repressed over the last few days (and weeks). I haven't had the opportunity to express them properly with all the frenetic energy of General Conference. I am feeling overwhelmed and fearing the levy will break.
There are some people that will never recognize or admit that they are doing harm to others. Maybe they are in denial or maybe they feel their behavior is justified. Regardless, it's harmful. Church folks are people too and we live in a secular world. But don't you think we could model a better way of relating to one another? Can't we work out differences without diminishing someone else or threatening them?
I've been left in a state of harm since Monday night and I'm still trying to find a way to reconcile my emotions. Part of me wants to force those that harmed me to see their error and make amends. However, a good friend told me that if I'm looking for resolution through their actions, I will be sorely disappointed.
So now what? I woke up this morning paralyzed by how much I dwell on this even when I don't want to. My friends know I have a strong aversion to conflict, but I'm willing to go though it to find a resolution. I'm left asking: How can I find rest? Where is there peace in this moment?
Thankfully, today I can step away from things for a moment and search of rest. Sadly, I am somewhat pessimistic about finding it in this place. I am not looking forward to anything.
I pray and hope God's healing balm comes over me soon.
